Harmonious relationships rely on how open and vulnerable you are willing to be.
Sometimes, we lie to ourselves for protection. If confronting something hurts us too much or we aren’t ready for that kind of confrontation; our minds create barriers to communication, expression, and connection.
The interesting thing is that this defense creates internal conflict and suffering, which can be prevented if we know where our wounds and resistance lie.
For awhile, I knew where my wounds (rejection, abandonment, judgement) were…but still, I was not ready to confront them. Some people live in this comfort zone their whole lives.
Recently, I looked into my past to find the origins of my pain. And I realized that, starting from a young age, every time I gave my heart and love…it was rejected, misunderstood, or denied.
I shut down around the age of 16, I felt totally misunderstood. I knew myself though. I knew I carried a tremendous amount of unconditional within me, I just had no clue what to do with it.
Eventually, I started to recognize my self destructive patterns and connect them to root problems that positioned me against myself.
I have some pretty amazing people in my life and I feel all this love, but there was a time when I couldn’t feel any of that.
I thought attachment was love. I thought giving yourself completely to another person was love. Nobody taught me that love is a measure of self worth.
The more I give people chances to be there for me, the more I learn that people want to be in my life just to be around me. And that makes me happy, that I don’t need to slave away for somebody to respect or love me.
I learned a really difficult lesson in this lifetime…sometimes cruel and broken people are placed in our lives to spotlight things that need to be addressed within ourselves.
I do not cast blame on the people who caused me to shut down, because I know that without these people I would never arrive at this point of self realization.
And I know wholeheartedly that there are people who can love as much as me and it is within my control to attract these people into my life.
I don’t ask for much in relationships, just for people to sit near me in silence. I don’t want to constantly express, defend, or prove myself. I can if I want to, but the love I yearned for was within. It is who I am.
I have that love now.
This is my favorite piece I've written so far.
Thanks for reading.
Love Lizzy
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